I have several friends who are getting married in the next few months... may I point out with a bit of a fake pout that these are all younger friends... Anyway, the point is as a result of these impending nuptials (that word looks weird...), I have been thinking about marriage advice lately. I always feel unequal to the task of providing marriage advice since I myself am unmarried (and happily so, I might add despite my earlier remark). When asked for advice, I think back over advice I have heard, things that stood out, things that sounded silly, and things I cannot possibly fathom. One piece of advice has been ringing in my head lately and I thought I would share it with you because let's face it, what else am I going to do while trying to force myself to stay awake in order to get used to what my hours will be like in my new time zone?
The title of the post is a spoiler, by the way... I probably should have started with SPOILER ALERT, but that seemed more ludicrous than the rest of this post has already been. Now, I'm going to try to stop rambling, but in the very likely even that doesn't happen, please bear with me.
Ok, so the advice is: Don't pick on each other in public.
I used to think that was kind of silly. I mean, if we're just poking fun, who cares. But I have discovered the validity of this as I have watched people. I'm pretty good at reading people, and the connection I have seen between my own observations and this piece of advice only became evident to me recently, but now I think I can maybe describe what it is I have noted. Have you ever been in a group of friends, laughing and talking and having a good time, when you suddenly see the light go out of a friend's eyes? Everyone was joking around with each other and it came around to picking on each other. It all seemed harmless. It may have been initially. But then someone hits on something that is a sore spot for someone in the group. Generally speaking, everyone, including the offended party, keeps laughing. But look close. Someone is no longer actually having a good time. The light has gone out of his/her eyes. This person is deflated like a poorly constructed balloon animal.
Who can hurt us worse than the people we are closest to? They know our foibles. They know our highs and our lows. They know where to hit us when we're down that will ensure we don't get back up for a good long time. And they know these things about us because we have trusted them with it. We made the conscious decision to open that part of ourselves to someone. This vulnerability is a good thing, by the way, but it quickly turns ugly when joking and picking become a venue for bringing up some of those soft spots.
The thing is, you never know when you've gone too far until you've done it. At least not when it comes to picking on each other. Picking on each other in private is one thing. Some people enjoy that. Some people don't. But picking on each other in public has a lot of potential pitfalls. For one thing, you may think you have chosen a safe topic everyone already knows about when really that was something the other person has never shared. Or, you may actually have chosen a topic that is normally safe, but today the other person is feeling really insecure, has had a bad day, needs some chocolate and a hug. For whatever reason that normally safe thing is no longer okay. Or the safe topic is one safe topic too far; you've picked and picked and picked until it has become an open wound. There's also the fact that we tend to be more easily offended in a group of people. We need to be accepted and loved; if we perceive that someone is mocking us in front of others, our egos are far more easily bruised. And again there is the fact that no one can hurt us like the people we are closest to. Make an offhand comment about the misspelling in a love letter and you have ruined the other person's night. There was no intent; it was meant as good, harmless fun. But it hurt, and you may as well have slapped them.
Back to the group concept, another big pitfall is the fact that in public, you have to be very careful to measure your reaction. Remember our friend whose eyes are no longer lit up? That's about as much reaction as is socially acceptable. Walk out, and you're likely to hear the shocked: "Was it something I said?" Yes, actually it was, thanks for asking. Let me tell you what you just did to me back there. Except you can't tell the person then and there what they did to you. Going off on them is just going to make the public humiliation worse and is going to humiliate the other person. That's only going to make a bigger mess. So then we're stuck. You can't say or do anything right away. Do you tell them later? Maybe. Maybe not. There are valid reasons for both sides of that coin. You certainly have to find a way to release the emotions of being humiliated, but doing that with the silent treatment on the way home is not effective.
So the conclusion that makes the most sense is to heed this wonderful piece of advice. It's hard to do. Our natural instinct seems to be to pick on each other, maybe partly because we need to make ourselves look good. But don't let that be your guide. Whether you agree with my faith or not, there is a lot to be said for I Corinthians 13 and what it says love is and is not. I specifically think of "love is... kind" (verse 4). Perhaps the kindest thing you can do for someone is think about how what you are about to say might impact them and NOT say it if it might hurt them. That is not to say that if they are truly in the wrong you don't call them on it. Accountability is important whether it is painful or not, the caveat of that being you should still be approaching the confrontation in a peaceable, gentle, private manner while still being direct and forthright. But, back to not saying something which might hurt the other person, a good test of whether you should say it is two fold: "Will this build someone up? Is it necessary?" Sometimes we talk to hear ourselves speak when we should really be keeping our mouths shut.
Married or unmarried, I think this is a quality piece of advice and I'm glad the person who shared it with me did. I have a long way to go, but my intent is to be more conscious of my interactions with other people to try to avoid picking on them. Harmless fun can quickly turn into hurt feelings and even bullying. My advice: stop and think before you speak and act.
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