Putting on the Brakes

I recently had new brake pads and rotors put on my car.  It's only the second time I've had to have my brake pads changed since I bought the car almost six years ago.  I'm gentle with my car for the most part.  But I've discovered I am not nearly so gentle on myself.

I knew slowing down would be hard for me.  I've been speeding through life like it's the Autobahn.  To stop that crazy life, I knew, would take time more than just in the sense of leaving the job.  I guess I just didn't realize how ingrained it was in me to be constantly on the go until I got to Wyoming.

Why was driving out here a struggle?  Because I had to spend so much time just sitting.  I got really antsy, wanting something, ANYTHING to do other than sit.  I definitely failed to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to God in a contained environment, to listen to Him speak to me through verses I already knew.  It really was a golden opportunity and I missed it because I let my anxiety over being stuck in one aspect for so long take over my ability to think of other things I could be doing.

So then I get here, and the first night was hard because I wanted to get everything organized and settled before my first day of classes.  And then I got bored in the afternoon of the first day because I had a relatively small amount of things to do compared to what I am used to doing.

And then yesterday, I find out that one of my classes was being replaced by a class I was already in so I was going to have a free hour twice a week.  That sounds exciting right?  Nope.  Not to me.  To me that sounded like torture.  MORE time to fill?  Are you kidding me?

But then as I was sitting here this morning during my hour reprieve, I recognized the value of that extra time.  That brake time (spelling intentional).  I've been trying all sorts of ways to fill up my time.  Adding classes.  Wanting to get involved in activities.  Finding all sorts of things to DO.  But that completely defeated the purpose of coming out here in the first place: to BE.

I'm an action verb.  I live life on the move.  I'm driven.  I'm passionate.  Sometimes I'm energetic.

And now God is asking me to be a being verb.  To exist.  No to do.  Not to act.  Not to engage.  But to live in space and time, letting activity go on around me without insisting on being involved.  I'm so terrible at this.  I want to get up and go and do.

There's nothing particularly wrong with getting involved.  In fact, service is a very important thing.  But all my focus has been on doing.  Serving.  Involving myself in everything I can.  It's not healthy.  It took time away from my relationship with God.  And so now, since I refused to put on the brakes for so long, God has thrown things in my way that are forcing me to put on my brakes.  Only it feels like slamming on poorly maintained brakes on black ice.  There's a bit of swerving and resistance there still.

I can see that it is totally worth it.  It's just hard to decelerate that quickly.  So I'm still adjusting, course correcting, if you will.  And I know in the end, I will be better for it, like replacing the brakes on my car.